Friday, February 24, 2012
So many blogs
who the hell can keep up with them all? I promise to write more scintillating stuff, as soon as I corral all of my blogs into one cohesive piece of cool ass reading material. Having said that, stay tuned...I promise I'm working on something goooooooood.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Oh there you are Jamila Afrika.
I could start this entry with a look back and divulge everything that has happened during the time that I have not chronicled or I could simply move forward and I'm choosing the latter. For awhile now, I've been feeling like I've been at a plateau of sorts. Just kind of existing for the sake of existing. When I started this blog nearly five years ago, I had grand ideas. I was single and okay with that and i was enjoying a peace of mind that had been hard to find. For once, I had stability and that was all right by me. 2005-2010 were such challenging years and I know it was through Grace and Blessings that I've come through unscathed.
Fast forward to 2011 and I feel as if I've come 180 degrees from the heartbroken lovelorn lady hiding behind my alter ego I once was.
I haven't posted or submitted any type of writing other than facebook status updates and the occasional tweet for nearly two years now. I recently posted several choice entries from blogs past and it was interesting to see where my head was in relation to where it is now. There are clear patterns across the years, but most of those entries were from a sad dejected angry person with no other outlet. Humor was and is at the crux of most of my writing, but the difference is now, now I intend to share the part of myself I kept buried away for so long.
Oooh oooh, ooh ooh oooh, I got a new attitude.
As I'm writing this, the confirmation that Osama Bin Laden's death has come through and people are besides themselves. Sure, I've got a lot to say about that, but I'll just let everyone else in the world handle that one. The networks are working overtime I'm sure.
As is/was my M.O. and the reason de etre for this entire blog, there was a woman involved. I swear I think I've typed the phrase "There's always a woman involved," in nearly all of my blogs. But 'tis true, there's always a woman involved.
I've been in and out of relationships or whatevering with individuals for a good four years now and still haven't felt a true sense of being fulfilled. Certainly there have been moments that have been gratifying, but for the most part I feel like my energy has been allowed to grow stale and stagnant. I don't mean that in a negative way, I just feel that I forgot how to challenge myself, in order to better myself.
That's what lead me to the weight loss. I am tired of being heavy, overweight, fat, obese. Whatever, you want to call it, I'm tired of it being my reality. The true measure of which happened when I could no longer comfortably fit into a piece of my favorite clothing accessory. I joined the local community center and started a daily regimen of working out. Along with that I began to chart my progress and kept tabs on my caloric intake. To date, I've lost 50lbs and I'm definitely feeling good about it. I've still got quite a bit of weight to take off, but I'm finally in the mind set to make it happen.
Oh, this is the book I'm reading. I've actually read it a number of times, but I've found it motivates me. It isn't an easy read, but it's a darn good one, fascinating even.
I've got to cut this short tho, it's already 1am and that 630am alarm is gonna come hard and fast. Til next time.
Fast forward to 2011 and I feel as if I've come 180 degrees from the heartbroken lovelorn lady hiding behind my alter ego I once was.
I haven't posted or submitted any type of writing other than facebook status updates and the occasional tweet for nearly two years now. I recently posted several choice entries from blogs past and it was interesting to see where my head was in relation to where it is now. There are clear patterns across the years, but most of those entries were from a sad dejected angry person with no other outlet. Humor was and is at the crux of most of my writing, but the difference is now, now I intend to share the part of myself I kept buried away for so long.
Oooh oooh, ooh ooh oooh, I got a new attitude.
As I'm writing this, the confirmation that Osama Bin Laden's death has come through and people are besides themselves. Sure, I've got a lot to say about that, but I'll just let everyone else in the world handle that one. The networks are working overtime I'm sure.
As is/was my M.O. and the reason de etre for this entire blog, there was a woman involved. I swear I think I've typed the phrase "There's always a woman involved," in nearly all of my blogs. But 'tis true, there's always a woman involved.
I've been in and out of relationships or whatevering with individuals for a good four years now and still haven't felt a true sense of being fulfilled. Certainly there have been moments that have been gratifying, but for the most part I feel like my energy has been allowed to grow stale and stagnant. I don't mean that in a negative way, I just feel that I forgot how to challenge myself, in order to better myself.
That's what lead me to the weight loss. I am tired of being heavy, overweight, fat, obese. Whatever, you want to call it, I'm tired of it being my reality. The true measure of which happened when I could no longer comfortably fit into a piece of my favorite clothing accessory. I joined the local community center and started a daily regimen of working out. Along with that I began to chart my progress and kept tabs on my caloric intake. To date, I've lost 50lbs and I'm definitely feeling good about it. I've still got quite a bit of weight to take off, but I'm finally in the mind set to make it happen.
Oh, this is the book I'm reading. I've actually read it a number of times, but I've found it motivates me. It isn't an easy read, but it's a darn good one, fascinating even.
I've got to cut this short tho, it's already 1am and that 630am alarm is gonna come hard and fast. Til next time.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Ego-tripped
You know, I'm supposed to be working, doing some studying...gearing up for the final two exams in this child development course I've been taking and getting myself all geared up for two more classes, one I have on hold and the other I need to register for, but I felt like I needed to do some serious writing...I needed to get some stuff offa my chest.
Okay, so y'all know I've been chilling with this girl for awhile and things have been good, I mean really good. I enjoy the time that we've spent together so far, whether it was talking on the phone for hours at a time or spending night after night together...sharing space with her really uplifted my spirits...lol...I know it sounds cheesy, but when you like someone, you're bound to say some cheesy ish. So, we've been spending loads of time together without so much as a disagreement, when lo and behold...here we are at our first fight.
Now, I don't want to call it a fight, but its not just a simple misunderstanding. The issue at hand is about my penchant for being self-involved...yeah, I've heard it all before...but I think I'm all set with hearing it again. You can only go for so long with people saying to you, " you're self-involved and it kind of sucks," before it hits home.
Thing is, I know I'm a bit of the egocentric type...I don't necessarily pride myself in it, but it has stood as a mechanism to keep me intact, especially after some of the bullshit that women of the world have put me through...thing is, I'm all set with trying to safe guard myself from someone, for once I just want to let go and just let things happen, but we all know what happens when you do that...you get burned. I don't want to get burned, but I don't want to not take care of myself...so that leaves me trying to overcome the challenge of being less Jamila centered.
Yeah, I really do like this one.
(originally written on 2007 and yes that whole encounter ended horribly)
Okay, so y'all know I've been chilling with this girl for awhile and things have been good, I mean really good. I enjoy the time that we've spent together so far, whether it was talking on the phone for hours at a time or spending night after night together...sharing space with her really uplifted my spirits...lol...I know it sounds cheesy, but when you like someone, you're bound to say some cheesy ish. So, we've been spending loads of time together without so much as a disagreement, when lo and behold...here we are at our first fight.
Now, I don't want to call it a fight, but its not just a simple misunderstanding. The issue at hand is about my penchant for being self-involved...yeah, I've heard it all before...but I think I'm all set with hearing it again. You can only go for so long with people saying to you, " you're self-involved and it kind of sucks," before it hits home.
Thing is, I know I'm a bit of the egocentric type...I don't necessarily pride myself in it, but it has stood as a mechanism to keep me intact, especially after some of the bullshit that women of the world have put me through...thing is, I'm all set with trying to safe guard myself from someone, for once I just want to let go and just let things happen, but we all know what happens when you do that...you get burned. I don't want to get burned, but I don't want to not take care of myself...so that leaves me trying to overcome the challenge of being less Jamila centered.
Yeah, I really do like this one.
(originally written on 2007 and yes that whole encounter ended horribly)
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Breasts are God's Way of saying, "Take these and know that you are loved."
....changes man. I'm getting ready to launch a preemptive strike on life. I really don't care for people who fall into the category of Lesbian...now wait...there you go oppressing the internal you might say, but I say NO. I ain't oppressing myself 'cause I ain't a Lesbian, nor ever will I be. So there.
There's a whole story to go along with that, but that's not the one on my mind.
Ok, so I don't know if most of you know this or not, but sometimes I can be just a wee bit emotionally unstable...I get the highest highs and the lowest lows...[insert big grin] and for those of y'all who have been privy you also know that I've come a loooooooong waaay baby. Spiritually, emotionally....just becoming all well rounded and shit. Thing is, in order to do this kind of thing, one of the steps that I've learned is respecting boundaries...creating them, maintaining them and most importantly making sure that they are set to maintain MY utmost well-being. That is NOT to say that they don't allow for the utmost well-being of others, but it is more of a way to make sure that I maintain an overall sense of balance.
All I ask in return from my friends is that you acknowledge and accept those boundaries. That doesn't mean you are not entitled input, but all I ask is for prior communication before you go crossing my boundaries and making me take SERIOUS action against your actions because dammit for every action there is an equal and adverse reaction and guess what...disturb my carefully self created and maintained boundaries in a negative way and the blow will be a mighty one.
I'm really trying to take care of myself in this big old city and people just keep challenging me. Whatever happened to meeting someone...striking up a friendship and having it go on...ah then in that thought comes a whole slew of others.
I got a fortune from some Bocio candy and it said "It is better to deceive yourself about your friends than it is to deceive them."
So, now I gotta go and say, well hey...I kind of trusted that your politics weren't fuqqed up and that you were someone with integrity, but now I must realize my mistake.
Ah, for shame...I HATE WHEN I'M WRONG about PEOPLE. I take it verrrrrrrry personally. Now, see you've gone and crossed my boundaries. I don't like that.
People...get it together.
Ooooh, but I did meet some hot girls this past weekend, one in particular that made my panties sing a song...."I'm singing in the raaaaaiiiin, just singin' in the rain....what a glorious feeling..." hahhahahaa. Man, I have a weakness for a particular population of ladies...I don't mean to, but it is what it is. I acknowledge it...hey I'm working on that whole sensitivity training thing too...but let's just say...I have a thing...and leave it at that.
So anyway, I'm at a Lesbian bar, doing my thing...when the dancer comes out. Why is it that I gotta fall inlove ahem, lust with the staff? I'm always gigging on the dancers in the club...sheeeit they're the ones half-nekkid anyway and dancing, so why not? But, I did have to holler at shorty cause she had a ass that made you feel sorry for the elastic in those boy shorts she was wearing. Ooooo Weeeeee.
I love ladies...and I will continually objectify the features on her body that do it for me.
Breasts are God's Way of saying, "Take these and know that you are loved."
Long story short...there are several women in the greater NYC area, specifically Mid-Town with my name alll over dey boooody. LOL.
(2009)
There's a whole story to go along with that, but that's not the one on my mind.
Ok, so I don't know if most of you know this or not, but sometimes I can be just a wee bit emotionally unstable...I get the highest highs and the lowest lows...[insert big grin] and for those of y'all who have been privy you also know that I've come a loooooooong waaay baby. Spiritually, emotionally....just becoming all well rounded and shit. Thing is, in order to do this kind of thing, one of the steps that I've learned is respecting boundaries...creating them, maintaining them and most importantly making sure that they are set to maintain MY utmost well-being. That is NOT to say that they don't allow for the utmost well-being of others, but it is more of a way to make sure that I maintain an overall sense of balance.
All I ask in return from my friends is that you acknowledge and accept those boundaries. That doesn't mean you are not entitled input, but all I ask is for prior communication before you go crossing my boundaries and making me take SERIOUS action against your actions because dammit for every action there is an equal and adverse reaction and guess what...disturb my carefully self created and maintained boundaries in a negative way and the blow will be a mighty one.
I'm really trying to take care of myself in this big old city and people just keep challenging me. Whatever happened to meeting someone...striking up a friendship and having it go on...ah then in that thought comes a whole slew of others.
I got a fortune from some Bocio candy and it said "It is better to deceive yourself about your friends than it is to deceive them."
So, now I gotta go and say, well hey...I kind of trusted that your politics weren't fuqqed up and that you were someone with integrity, but now I must realize my mistake.
Ah, for shame...I HATE WHEN I'M WRONG about PEOPLE. I take it verrrrrrrry personally. Now, see you've gone and crossed my boundaries. I don't like that.
People...get it together.
Ooooh, but I did meet some hot girls this past weekend, one in particular that made my panties sing a song...."I'm singing in the raaaaaiiiin, just singin' in the rain....what a glorious feeling..." hahhahahaa. Man, I have a weakness for a particular population of ladies...I don't mean to, but it is what it is. I acknowledge it...hey I'm working on that whole sensitivity training thing too...but let's just say...I have a thing...and leave it at that.
So anyway, I'm at a Lesbian bar, doing my thing...when the dancer comes out. Why is it that I gotta fall in
I love ladies...and I will continually objectify the features on her body that do it for me.
Breasts are God's Way of saying, "Take these and know that you are loved."
Long story short...there are several women in the greater NYC area, specifically Mid-Town with my name alll over dey boooody. LOL.
(2009)
How to stay single
The other day, I was enjoying an overly hot Princess shower. Yup, a long steamy shower, hot enough to scald the skin and to take the bite off of a New England cold day. And during that shower, I played a mental mind game...I do that a lot...keeps me sharp.
For your blog reading enjoyment, I'm going to share those thoughts with you.
That particular game consisted of creating the perfect girlfriend from the bits and pieces I liked most about the women I've dated in my time.
Hmmmmm, intriguing no?
Go ahead and take a moment to reflect on what you liked BEST about someone you were once intimate with and make a list...and go through them all.
That's what I did.
See, the thing about a Princess shower is that they are quite, luxurious and a tad bit...not so, well ah, um...well...they aren't always eco-friendly.
In short, it's a very long shower.
Anyway, I haven't dated that many women...though I've lusted after tons. Yum, women are great.
So, yeah in the shower compiling my list when it dawns on me...
...that list is precisely why I'm still single.
Hmmmpff.
But, lemme explain.
I'm not single because I can't find Mrs. Right...I'm single because you are ALL Ms. Right Now. Sure, you may not fulfill a lifetime of needs, but you'll certainly fulfill some type of want.
Though I'm a grown up, I've got a lot of growing to do and that is manifested in the women I choose to date.
[Still, in the shower]
Finally, I had to come up with a resolution...the hot water was start to run out and this is what I came up with...if you can't date just one, then why not just date them all?
:-)
(originally written in 2008)
For your blog reading enjoyment, I'm going to share those thoughts with you.
That particular game consisted of creating the perfect girlfriend from the bits and pieces I liked most about the women I've dated in my time.
Hmmmmm, intriguing no?
Go ahead and take a moment to reflect on what you liked BEST about someone you were once intimate with and make a list...and go through them all.
That's what I did.
See, the thing about a Princess shower is that they are quite, luxurious and a tad bit...not so, well ah, um...well...they aren't always eco-friendly.
In short, it's a very long shower.
Anyway, I haven't dated that many women...though I've lusted after tons. Yum, women are great.
So, yeah in the shower compiling my list when it dawns on me...
...that list is precisely why I'm still single.
Hmmmpff.
But, lemme explain.
I'm not single because I can't find Mrs. Right...I'm single because you are ALL Ms. Right Now. Sure, you may not fulfill a lifetime of needs, but you'll certainly fulfill some type of want.
Though I'm a grown up, I've got a lot of growing to do and that is manifested in the women I choose to date.
[Still, in the shower]
Finally, I had to come up with a resolution...the hot water was start to run out and this is what I came up with...if you can't date just one, then why not just date them all?
:-)
(originally written in 2008)
Suicide is no vacation
(I actually wrote this in 2007 one cold miserable lonely New England winter night. I never actually published it, I kept it to myself because I felt ashamed of feeling sooo low. Of feeling so low that I even spoke on suicide. But, I feel like it's important for me to share this now...I'm on a journey of self-discovery and I'm not always a happy go lucky funny person. So here's to peeling back the layers and exposing my soul.)
Fuck me, fuck you fuck the world, that's what I say. What the fuck happened to me...why am I so outwardly lovable, but the minute anyone gets too close, it gets all fucked up AND its my fault. Its always my fault. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm so tired of being misunderstood, I'm so tired of superficiality, I'm just tired of it all.
I just don't know anymore...I have so much to live for, but I also have so little to live for. I'm just tired of the same goddamn pain all the goddamn time. I know I know, it'll get better, the pain will go away...blah blah blah, but it never really goes away...it just gets buried until it's time to resurface again. You know what I think...I wish suicide weren't so final. I wish that killing yourself didn't actually mean that life would be over...if only it were like a vacation...a free vacation to get away from your earthly troubles...a chance for you to see what the world is like without you and then...and then when you realise that things weren't so bad after all, well then you could come back and then get yourself back on track.
I already know I'm slowly killing myself: the weight, the weed, the anxiety and depression, but you know...what's an American Black woman to do? Every once in awhile life offers a glimmer of hope and true to a glimmer, it's gone just as quickly. I really don't know how much more of this my heart can take.
Fuck me, fuck you fuck the world, that's what I say. What the fuck happened to me...why am I so outwardly lovable, but the minute anyone gets too close, it gets all fucked up AND its my fault. Its always my fault. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm so tired of being misunderstood, I'm so tired of superficiality, I'm just tired of it all.
I just don't know anymore...I have so much to live for, but I also have so little to live for. I'm just tired of the same goddamn pain all the goddamn time. I know I know, it'll get better, the pain will go away...blah blah blah, but it never really goes away...it just gets buried until it's time to resurface again. You know what I think...I wish suicide weren't so final. I wish that killing yourself didn't actually mean that life would be over...if only it were like a vacation...a free vacation to get away from your earthly troubles...a chance for you to see what the world is like without you and then...and then when you realise that things weren't so bad after all, well then you could come back and then get yourself back on track.
I already know I'm slowly killing myself: the weight, the weed, the anxiety and depression, but you know...what's an American Black woman to do? Every once in awhile life offers a glimmer of hope and true to a glimmer, it's gone just as quickly. I really don't know how much more of this my heart can take.
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