Ego-tripped

You know, I'm supposed to be working, doing some studying...gearing up for the final two exams in this child development course I've been taking and getting myself all geared up for two more classes, one I have on hold and the other I need to register for, but I felt like I needed to do some serious writing...I needed to get some stuff offa my chest.

Okay, so y'all know I've been chilling with this girl for awhile and things have been good, I mean really good. I enjoy the time that we've spent together so far, whether it was talking on the phone for hours at a time or spending night after night together...sharing space with her really uplifted my spirits...lol...I know it sounds cheesy, but when you like someone, you're bound to say some cheesy ish. So, we've been spending loads of time together without so much as a disagreement, when lo and behold...here we are at our first fight.

Now, I don't want to call it a fight, but its not just a simple misunderstanding. The issue at hand is about my penchant for being self-involved...yeah, I've heard it all before...but I think I'm all set with hearing it again. You can only go for so long with people saying to you, " you're self-involved and it kind of sucks," before it hits home.

Thing is, I know I'm a bit of the egocentric type...I don't necessarily pride myself in it, but it has stood as a mechanism to keep me intact, especially after some of the bullshit that women of the world have put me through...thing is, I'm all set with trying to safe guard myself from someone, for once I just want to let go and just let things happen, but we all know what happens when you do that...you get burned. I don't want to get burned, but I don't want to not take care of myself...so that leaves me trying to overcome the challenge of being less Jamila centered.

Yeah, I really do like this one.
(originally written on 2007 and yes that whole encounter ended horribly)

Breasts are God's Way of saying, "Take these and know that you are loved."

....changes man. I'm getting ready to launch a preemptive strike on life. I really don't care for people who fall into the category of Lesbian...now wait...there you go oppressing the internal you might say, but I say NO. I ain't oppressing myself 'cause I ain't a Lesbian, nor ever will I be. So there.

There's a whole story to go along with that, but that's not the one on my mind.

Ok, so I don't know if most of you know this or not, but sometimes I can be just a wee bit emotionally unstable...I get the highest highs and the lowest lows...[insert big grin] and for those of y'all who have been privy you also know that I've come a loooooooong waaay baby. Spiritually, emotionally....just becoming all well rounded and shit. Thing is, in order to do this kind of thing, one of the steps that I've learned is respecting boundaries...creating them, maintaining them and most importantly making sure that they are set to maintain MY utmost well-being. That is NOT to say that they don't allow for the utmost well-being of others, but it is more of a way to make sure that I maintain an overall sense of balance.

All I ask in return from my friends is that you acknowledge and accept those boundaries. That doesn't mean you are not entitled input, but all I ask is for prior communication before you go crossing my boundaries and making me take SERIOUS action against your actions because dammit for every action there is an equal and adverse reaction and guess what...disturb my carefully self created and maintained boundaries in a negative way and the blow will be a mighty one.

I'm really trying to take care of myself in this big old city and people just keep challenging me. Whatever happened to meeting someone...striking up a friendship and having it go on...ah then in that thought comes a whole slew of others.

I got a fortune from some Bocio candy and it said "It is better to deceive yourself about your friends than it is to deceive them."

So, now I gotta go and say, well hey...I kind of trusted that your politics weren't fuqqed up and that you were someone with integrity, but now I must realize my mistake.

Ah, for shame...I HATE WHEN I'M WRONG about PEOPLE. I take it verrrrrrrry personally. Now, see you've gone and crossed my boundaries. I don't like that.

People...get it together.

Ooooh, but I did meet some hot girls this past weekend, one in particular that made my panties sing a song...."I'm singing in the raaaaaiiiin, just singin' in the rain....what a glorious feeling..." hahhahahaa. Man, I have a weakness for a particular population of ladies...I don't mean to, but it is what it is. I acknowledge it...hey I'm working on that whole sensitivity training thing too...but let's just say...I have a thing...and leave it at that.

So anyway, I'm at a Lesbian bar, doing my thing...when the dancer comes out. Why is it that I gotta fall in love ahem, lust with the staff? I'm always gigging on the dancers in the club...sheeeit they're the ones half-nekkid anyway and dancing, so why not? But, I did have to holler at shorty cause she had a ass that made you feel sorry for the elastic in those boy shorts she was wearing. Ooooo Weeeeee.

I love ladies...and I will continually objectify the features on her body that do it for me.

Breasts are God's Way of saying, "Take these and know that you are loved."

Long story short...there are several women in the greater NYC area, specifically Mid-Town with my name alll over dey boooody. LOL.

(2009)

How to stay single

The other day, I was enjoying an overly hot Princess shower. Yup, a long steamy shower, hot enough to scald the skin and to take the bite off of a New England cold day. And during that shower, I played a mental mind game...I do that a lot...keeps me sharp.

For your blog reading enjoyment, I'm going to share those thoughts with you.

That particular game consisted of creating the perfect girlfriend from the bits and pieces I liked most about the women I've dated in my time.

Hmmmmm, intriguing no?

Go ahead and take a moment to reflect on what you liked BEST about someone you were once intimate with and make a list...and go through them all.

That's what I did.

See, the thing about a Princess shower is that they are quite, luxurious and a tad bit...not so, well ah, um...well...they aren't always eco-friendly.

In short, it's a very long shower.

Anyway, I haven't dated that many women...though I've lusted after tons. Yum, women are great.

So, yeah in the shower compiling my list when it dawns on me...

...that list is precisely why I'm still single.

Hmmmpff.

But, lemme explain.

I'm not single because I can't find Mrs. Right...I'm single because you are ALL Ms. Right Now. Sure, you may not fulfill a lifetime of needs, but you'll certainly fulfill some type of want.


Though I'm a grown up, I've got a lot of growing to do and that is manifested in the women I choose to date.

[Still, in the shower]

Finally, I had to come up with a resolution...the hot water was start to run out and this is what I came up with...if you can't date just one, then why not just date them all?

:-)

(originally written in 2008)

Suicide is no vacation

(I actually wrote this in 2007 one cold miserable lonely New England winter night. I never actually published it, I kept it to myself because I felt ashamed of feeling sooo low. Of feeling so low that I even spoke on suicide. But, I feel like it's important for me to share this now...I'm on a journey of self-discovery and I'm not always a happy go lucky funny person. So here's to peeling back the layers and exposing my soul.)

Fuck me, fuck you fuck the world, that's what I say. What the fuck happened to me...why am I so outwardly lovable, but the minute anyone gets too close, it gets all fucked up AND its my fault. Its always my fault. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm so tired of being misunderstood, I'm so tired of superficiality, I'm just tired of it all.

I just don't know anymore...I have so much to live for, but I also have so little to live for. I'm just tired of the same goddamn pain all the goddamn time. I know I know, it'll get better, the pain will go away...blah blah blah, but it never really goes away...it just gets buried until it's time to resurface again. You know what I think...I wish suicide weren't so final. I wish that killing yourself didn't actually mean that life would be over...if only it were like a vacation...a free vacation to get away from your earthly troubles...a chance for you to see what the world is like without you and then...and then when you realise that things weren't so bad after all, well then you could come back and then get yourself back on track.

I already know I'm slowly killing myself: the weight, the weed, the anxiety and depression, but you know...what's an American Black woman to do? Every once in awhile life offers a glimmer of hope and true to a glimmer, it's gone just as quickly. I really don't know how much more of this my heart can take.

Do not drink wine while reading this blog

...it burns when it comes out of your nose from laughter.

And now, brought to you by the lesbian in me [hehehehehe ;-) ] bad poetry.

here goes...and yes, women everywhere...those kissed and not yet kissed by yours truly...this one's for you...

first kisses are delicious

like gramma's

baked dishes

sweet nothings

slip

from

succulent lips

SEE (si)

you've got me

on this

drip

drip

drip

IF

moments like

this

could last an

*eternity*

maybe

we

should just

let it

burn

I tell you what...I remember when I wrote that and I was just pining to kiss the girl. Not only have I since kissed the girl, but I've learned my lesson about comparing kisses to my Grandmother's baked goods....I'd take a mouthful of my Gramma's sweet potato pie any day.
_______________________________________________________________

...those early morning rays
when they hit your face
thoughts
are misplaced
and all I can do is

stop.

and think
of the possibilities

what if

I were to wake you
in a way that lovers' do
caressing the moons of your cheeks
fingers dancing in the sunlight
as it spills
between the covers
the only barriers
that prevent
us
from discovering better things
yet to come
overcome
with the need to
come
instead
I tread lightly
tracing your halo
in the sun's glow.
___________________________________________________________________

She's Just Not That Into You

I'm finally coming to terms with that phrase and I haven't even seen the crappy movie.

Fuck that I've been living my own version of it for the past coupla years. Ugh. I love women, but not the BS to often comes with dating them.

Not to mention that I had met a good deal of them on myspace and not for nothing, none of them are around now. Well, there are a couple that I will still say hello to in the streets and inquire as to their well being, but for the most part...myspace has been my str8 bootycall hookup site.

Actually, I was on another website...looking for easy hot chicks...onlinebootycall.com sounds sketchy right? Lemme tell you that website is far less sketchy than good ole Myspace, yet I still come back. I heart myspace, I mean really what are you gonna do?

I haven't been writing about them because most of them were my myspace friends and were definitely avid readers of my blog.

I mean AVID.

My writing is a part of my charm...it's part of my allure. I love to write and I think I do a decent job of it...lemme know that I've got an audience and I'll write even more.

But as of late I couldn't really write down my thoughts because everything that I was going through was directly related to one of these women. There have been about five of 'em now...maybe more...no I didn't sleep with every woman I met on myspace, but you know, hey things happen. Anyway these were some amazing women each in their own right.


There's one that I'm still not quite over. She was always pretty open about were she was coming from and where she stood as far as our romantic interaction and inclinations went, but in the end I still ended up with a broken heart.

After her, there was another woman. Yup. And another. And another. But then there was one that really caught my attention. She was saying all the right things and I had envisioned a life with this woman. Yeah, she got in deep. But when things didn't work out with her...here comes the original girl to help those wounds heal.

...and me being the sensitive fool I am...I fell right back for her, knowing that she didn't want to be in a relationship with me [although she had no problem getting the sexy time from me, and I had no problem giving it] what was unhealthy about that was that I had actually fallen in love with her...only to not have that love reciprocated.


I took a long break from dating women and played the single role. That's when I met a local cutie...again on myspace. I actually made her acquaintance while I was dating one of the aforementioned ladies, but didn't follow through on anything...we ended up talking on myspace and eventually met. She wasn't the type of woman that I usually go after, but I was intrigued by that, opposites attract I thought...and she's a cutie, so why not.

Even though she was a sweetheart that was another interaction with a woman that went nowhere fast.


Those of you who know me, know that my pet peeves are few, but they do exist. This particular woman was flaky and inconsistent...something that is a major pet peeve of mine, needless to say that interaction ended up being a wrap. The difference with her was that I didn't let my heart rule my actions.

With that particular woman I learned how to actually date someone without going straight for the monogamous relationship. I felt quite empowered and enlightened actually.


I mean women are interested in me, but I wasn't dating a lot. I'm single and I'm always gonna be single, but it was nice to finally figure out how to enjoy someone's company without turning it into a Shakespearen experience. After her a few more women came in and now I officially feel comfortable dating. Getting to know these women.

Of course right as I start to feel this way, I hook up with one girl who leaves me all sort of puzzled. Hook up in the sense that we chilled, enjoyed each other's company and she left me wanting more. Thing is she is so unavailable...so so so unavailable. And that is the problem that I had/have...going for the unavailable women so that I can justify being single for so long. It allows me to not have to focus on myself if my other half is the one with the bigger problems.

This one though, she's a fallen star and of course my Cancerian self is ready to snatch her up, nurture her, bring her back up to speed and make her all mine. But, given my track record...she too will have me writing bad poetry.

Then there are the other women who've come along...luckily enough I didn't meet them on myspace...I actually met them in real time and each one of them moves me in some way shape or form.

The point I'm making isn't an important one...I needed to get that off my chest so that I could feel free to blog again.

and on that note...can we talk about my latest girl interests?

(yet another oldie from 2009, but once I post the old ones, I will write new ones...it's actually veeery interesting to read these older posts now!!!)

The Wanna-Be Polyamorous Queer

(the original draft date is 2007, with 1st publication in 2009...seems like eons ago!)

Ah, good old fashioned polyamory. Girl meets boy, falls in love with boy, boy meets boy falls in love with boy, stays with girl, though girl has met another boi and has fallen for hym and wants to continue a relationship with both…and so on and so forth.

Pardon me if I belie my ignorance, but just what is polyamory?

….polyamory, is a noun and it can be defined as ," participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships….”

ah, ok…well that helps a little. Sure polyamorous relationships have been carried out since time eternal, yet so much emphasis is focused on the monogamous hetero model of pair bonding.

Factor in homosexuality and things get interesting, toss in queers and the paradigm is substantially shifted.

I remember when I first encountered a woman who subscribed to a polyamorous lifestyle, I didn’t understand it, and was highly judgmental, but being a non-actively politicized burgeoning queer in training, I had a loooooot to learn.

She explained it simply as I love who I love and I don’t limit that love.

I thought she was being rather greedy. Loving all those people all at once, spreading herself around, but never giving fully of herself…again, my initial reaction.

I’m from the serial monogamist land myself. One failed lesbian relationship after another was my modus operandi…I trudged through relationship after relationship, losing little and gaining much.

Until I finally opened up to the idea of embracing a polyamorous lifestyle…and trust me, it has been easier said than done.

Flash forward a few years from my initial reservations towards open/polyamorous relationships and though I haven’t fully embraced them, I do take pleasure in their sinfully good delights.

I can have my cake AND eat it too.

Being a polyamorous lover is no small feat, there’s a massive amount of communication that needs to transpire, on a regular and consistent basis…you gotta put in work…sometimes as much as being in a one-on-one with someone, but with several other people.

For example, last year I was dating one woman pretty regularly…we’ll call her my main squeeze…she was not my girlfriend and though we had never really agreed on sexual exclusivity, in the long run…we just were.

I mean, sometimes…one doesn’t always feel the need to roam, but more on that later.

Things are going well between the two of us, the sex is great and regular…consistent even, the relationship is chill – no pressure, or expectations-then along comes this woman to shake things up, literally.

I spend a fair amount of time around alcohol and know the effects on libido… I was djing for a ladies night in the city and was quite accustomed to being around women who had a little too much to drink and were looking to hook up…

that’s part of the perks of being a dj, i mean really.

Now, I’ve got someone I’m dating, but we have not made our affair exclusive, one night this woman…enchantress doesn’t do her justice…

…this woman comes out one night and makes it very clear that she intends to have her way with me by the end of the night, and if not that night then another night in the very near future.

Again, being accustomed to the enhanced libido the club atmosphere can offer…I smile and that only seems to stoke her passions.

Long story short, she got just what she wanted by the end of the night, which was me…all of me without a second thought. I drove her car back to my place that night and well…you know…things happened…repeatedly. The next morning was more of the same and on into the afternoon until we finally parted ways.

Throughout the course of our passionate encounter, she made it quite clear that she knew I was seeing someone and was okay with that. As a matter of fact, she was recently out of a relationship and though she knew I was a “good” person, [which i assume to mean worthy of girlfriend status] she was most interested in something purely physical with me.

Score!

Hot chick who just wanted to get it on, get it in…get gone.

What?!?!

I thought I was dreaming, or that she was just drunk and babbling….

A few days later, would completely change my thought process towards polyamorous dating.

The day after my sexcapade, I told my current lover everything…leaving certain details out, but being very open and honest about the ones that counted. To my surprise she was more open and receptive than I had imagined and though wasn’t interested in dating more than one person at a time for herself, she was more than willing to keep what we had and to allow me to explore….

Right?!?!?

Who was this woman, and where is she now?

Sadly, her work took her halfway around the world, it is already day after tomorrow where she is.

She however truly believed in the individual self and meeting its needs. If MY self needed to explore multiple partners and multiple loves and if HER self could be okay with that, then what MY self did was ok with HER self.

Crazy, I know.

Anyway, all that to say, that two women made it possible for me to begin navigating the often times treacherous stream that can be polyamorous queer dating.

Nope, not always easy and or fun, but for now, well worth the ride.

Wait, and where's my place on the sex and sexuality spectrum?

(originally written May 3, 2009)

Sexuality, like most things in life, is nowhere near black or white, cut and dried or cut and paste for that matter…:

Defining sex [ explicitly the act of having sexual intercourse] and sexuality has been something people have been trying to define and re-define for decades now. I’m no expert, furthest thing from it, but what I am, is the everyday person. Your average thinking girl, who thinks that sex is not just…well sex…and that the sex you have does not define you as a person.

Right?

Okay, bear with me here, there is a thought process a-brewing.

A spectrum can be defined as, “…a broad range of varied but related ideas or objects, the individual features of which tend to overlap so as to form a continuous series or sequence…” alright, fair…a set of overlapping ideas that contribute to the whole….

Sex is a whole big topic onto itself. But for the sake of this blog, let’s break it down and define just what it is...a little.

Simply stated sex is, “…the instinct or attraction drawing one sex toward another….”

Mmmkay, soooo if my instinct is to attract/draw in one, am I going against the natural order if I’m drawn or attracted to another…or what if…what if I’m drawn or attracted to both.

Lemme break it down. Now as a woman, if my natural instinct...or my supposed instinct is to be drawn to and attracted to the male of the species, am I a biological anomaly if I am attracted to women?

Not trying to open up a debate of nature versus nurture in homosexuality…that’s a whole’nother sidebar…I’m just saying…

I heart women. I’ll stop at any point in time and proclaim it from the mountaintops…shit…I love almost everything about women. I realized deep down inside at a very young age, that ‘d probably spend the rest of my life with a woman…it was difficult imaging a man by my side, I mean really.

What my mother and stepdad had was the FURTHEST from anything that I’d ever want and be content with…there was just something about those gays on TV that was so damn appealing!

I didn’t hate what my parents shared, it just wasn’t something I envisioned for me. Well, I mean I did…I just envisioned I’d be living my nice little lesbo version of the happy family.

What I did see was me being in some little cozy home with my smoking hot babe of a wife with our beautiful multi-culti curly haired caramel complected childrens running around…all happy and singing and smelling like lemons and bergamont and shit, but…

Anyway…back to the sex.

I guess all this stems from my big old nelly dyke self, thinking back to and thinking on having sex with people who are not just women.

Yeah yeah yeah, back up.

I talk about sex with women freely, because I prefer having sex with women. I prefer having emotional relationships with women, but I never shut myself off exclusively from men, I just wasn’t interested.

I remember being younger and never really attracting that much attention from boys. They always thought I was too fat and because of that they took pot-swings at my self-confidence. I’m not ashamed to say that I let the wrong boys in for the wrong reasons, cuz what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

I never had particularly bad experiences (yes I have) with guys, but I haven’t had particularly great experiences (yes I have) with guys either.

Though the older I got, I did find that men were more attracted to me, rather they made advances

But one day…I was like yo…I just gotta get my hands on some P U S S Y.

And I tell you what, it has been a weakness ever since.

The hard part then comes back to defining one’s sense of sex and sexuality on a broooooooooaaad spectrum.

Take my scientific scale below:

1-3 = Fake or Pseudo Lesbian, every straight girl you’ve ever seen kissing her girl BFF at a bar in front of her boyfriend.

3-5 = Lesbian Status Questionable, possible LUG.

6-8 = Dresses the part, has seen the Lword, watched/watches Ellen, possible pet ownership…Really, really close to being a lesbian.

9-10= Thinks songs about kissing girls is trite, eats pussy better than the Goddess herself…yup, anyone rating here on this wholly scientific scale of lesbianism would be a full-fledged dyke.

I would say that I rate myself in the 6-8 category, tho..I have a strong showing in the 9-10 range as well.

But, in real life there are variables…and those variables stretch and challenge all definitions and perceptions…leading us back to the super fucking broad spectrum that is sex and sexuality.

Hmmmph.

So does that mean I’m going out and boning the next boy I see.

No.

Does that mean I’m going out and boning the next girl I see…

No. Well, maybe..I’d like to, but wait. No.

I’m just saying that I cannot and will not be bound by any labels that you may need to define me for the intent and purpose to catergorize me.

and no, here’s where it gets tricky…no I don’t think that I’m bisexual…so no, don’t ask.

Tho, the right dude could totally get it.

Ha.

Does having sex with women make me a lesbian?

Does having sex with men, but having emotional relationships to and attachments with women make me a lesbian?

What does make someone a homosexual?

And can we not to forget to talk about my transgender friends, cuz I’ve got a fuckload of questions here too…

say I’m a lesbian [we've since figured out what defines someone as a lesbian ] and I date a man who is transgender…am I still a lesbian or am I now heterosexual?

But, I’m tired and frazzled and feeling unloved and rather asexual…so best to end my thoughts now.

I know shitty way to end a blog, with no real resolution..but hey…this falls along a spectrum of endings I’d say.

Lonely is the person who is no one’s number 1

“Mannn…celibacy when un-intended is NOT cool. Whew…I’ve got a lot on my mind and it has nothing to do with the worries of the world…I need to bust a nut, have an orgasm…scream out to the GODDESS….get my toes curled…speak in tongues…Hallejuah! Whew…that did it for me. I hate feeling like there is no outlet for one’s sexuality…why is it bad for a young healthy lady such as myself, to want to have mind numbingly good sex…with no negative consequences and WITHOUT being considered a girlwhore? Those of you who know me, y’all know that I have a HEALTHY sexual appetite. Sheeeit…in the summertime…ladies watch out…in the springtime…oooh, yer in trouble…oh, the fall, snuggling always turns into sex and well the winter…sheeeit it is too damn cold to NOT be having having sex…so then the question remains…why Lawd…why am I celibate? When I ain’t choosing to be. Could it be the scores of pumpfakers filtering in and out of my life? Am I too choosy…sure I’ve only slept with a small number of women, but that’s a GOOD thing, right? Oh wait, here’s a reason why…cause the last girl I slept with turned out to be a pyscho terd with no sense of decorum or tact…which left me sensitive and numb to the pleasures of the flesh….” (originally written in 2007)

Hahahahaha, I wrote that nearly two years ago, and here we are. So much has changed since I wrote those words, though much has remained static…hence the creation of this blog. Sheesh, I’ve been “dating” women for over ten years now, and I still don’t seem to have this thing down.

Again, in reference to the title of this blog, I’m nonplussed, I just don’t get women.

I have a very basic understanding of myself, being as that I too am a woman. I know my own deltas…I’ve celebrated my positives. I’ve come to terms with who am I and what my expectations are, and why. I celebrate my own womanhood and wear it as a badge of honor and pride, even when in the deepest thralls of Pre-Menstural Dyspohric Disorder…I’m still woman hear my roar. Yes, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I prefer to date others like me, but why I ask you, why is it that I cannot get past the dreaded friend zone.

You all know the one. You’ve either banished someone to that dry dusty land, or have been there yourself. “Oh, I like you, just not like like…” “I hope I wasn’t leading you on, you’re a great person, but I only like you as a friend.”

My emotional response to that has run the gamut, including: anger/sadness/frustration/dejection/elation…and in one strange case, joy.

Now, the saying goes, one can never have too many friends. Guess what, yes you can. Yes you really, really can. At this stage in my life I have more than enough friends, although the women I’m interested in getting to know, don’t really seem to think I do and that I need more.

And why pray tell, do women want to remain friends after a break-up. “I love you, I really do, but can’t we still be just friends?” Yup, that’s precisely what I want to hear after breaking up with someone… I ‘d much rather hear that than something like “Look, I know we’ve broken up, but can we still sleep together...NSA?” Whatever happened to those good old days. (Originally written in 2009)