Ah, good old fashioned polyamory. Girl meets boy, falls in love with boy, boy meets boy falls in love with boy, stays with girl, though girl has met another boi and has fallen for hym and wants to continue a relationship with both…and so on and so forth.
Pardon me if I belie my ignorance, but just what is polyamory?
….polyamory, is a noun and it can be defined as ," participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships….”
ah, ok…well that helps a little. Sure polyamorous relationships have been carried out since time eternal, yet so much emphasis is focused on the monogamous hetero model of pair bonding.
Factor in homosexuality and things get interesting, toss in queers and the paradigm is substantially shifted.
I remember when I first encountered a woman who subscribed to a polyamorous lifestyle, I didn’t understand it, and was highly judgmental, but being a non-actively politicized burgeoning queer in training, I had a loooooot to learn.
She explained it simply as I love who I love and I don’t limit that love.
I thought she was being rather greedy. Loving all those people all at once, spreading herself around, but never giving fully of herself…again, my initial reaction.
I’m from the serial monogamist land myself. One failed lesbian relationship after another was my modus operandi…I trudged through relationship after relationship, losing little and gaining much.
Until I finally opened up to the idea of embracing a polyamorous lifestyle…and trust me, it has been easier said than done.
Flash forward a few years from my initial reservations towards open/polyamorous relationships and though I haven’t fully embraced them, I do take pleasure in their sinfully good delights.
I can have my cake AND eat it too.
Being a polyamorous lover is no small feat, there’s a massive amount of communication that needs to transpire, on a regular and consistent basis…you gotta put in work…sometimes as much as being in a one-on-one with someone, but with several other people.
For example, last year I was dating one woman pretty regularly…we’ll call her my main squeeze…she was not my girlfriend and though we had never really agreed on sexual exclusivity, in the long run…we just were.
I mean, sometimes…one doesn’t always feel the need to roam, but more on that later.
Things are going well between the two of us, the sex is great and regular…consistent even, the relationship is chill – no pressure, or expectations-then along comes this woman to shake things up, literally.
I spend a fair amount of time around alcohol and know the effects on libido… I was djing for a ladies night in the city and was quite accustomed to being around women who had a little too much to drink and were looking to hook up…
that’s part of the perks of being a dj, i mean really.
Now, I’ve got someone I’m dating, but we have not made our affair exclusive, one night this woman…enchantress doesn’t do her justice…
…this woman comes out one night and makes it very clear that she intends to have her way with me by the end of the night, and if not that night then another night in the very near future.
Again, being accustomed to the enhanced libido the club atmosphere can offer…I smile and that only seems to stoke her passions.
Long story short, she got just what she wanted by the end of the night, which was me…all of me without a second thought. I drove her car back to my place that night and well…you know…things happened…repeatedly. The next morning was more of the same and on into the afternoon until we finally parted ways.
Throughout the course of our passionate encounter, she made it quite clear that she knew I was seeing someone and was okay with that. As a matter of fact, she was recently out of a relationship and though she knew I was a “good” person, [which i assume to mean worthy of girlfriend status] she was most interested in something purely physical with me.
Score!
Hot chick who just wanted to get it on, get it in…get gone.
What?!?!
I thought I was dreaming, or that she was just drunk and babbling….
A few days later, would completely change my thought process towards polyamorous dating.
The day after my sexcapade, I told my current lover everything…leaving certain details out, but being very open and honest about the ones that counted. To my surprise she was more open and receptive than I had imagined and though wasn’t interested in dating more than one person at a time for herself, she was more than willing to keep what we had and to allow me to explore….
Right?!?!?
Who was this woman, and where is she now?
Sadly, her work took her halfway around the world, it is already day after tomorrow where she is.
She however truly believed in the individual self and meeting its needs. If MY self needed to explore multiple partners and multiple loves and if HER self could be okay with that, then what MY self did was ok with HER self.
Crazy, I know.
Anyway, all that to say, that two women made it possible for me to begin navigating the often times treacherous stream that can be polyamorous queer dating.
Nope, not always easy and or fun, but for now, well worth the ride.
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